I tried to lean on the world full of my fears
just to learn how to conquer the chances of
eating me alive without making a way to fight back
But if I am given the chances, I will grab him from his
gorgeous neck and crushed him with full intensity
till no part of it can be seen then I will thrust the
keen blade on his tempting stomach till he
scream out the fears and pains that I cuddled
for years and when he cannot move anymore
I will wrap him with a cloth that would cover
him from his immoral acts and forbid him
from regaining his full will
Thus, justice for me is a sweet revenge
full of cruelty and wickedness from within
I’ve been spacing out lately even if I’m back at school. I wish I can go back.
i. At midnight, specifically during 1 am, I think of you lying beside me in my bed, thinking of ways on how you will show your love for me probably through cuddling together, hugging me tightly and filling me with you tender kisses. Years gone by and everything we had is for naught. I just wish that I can go back from the moment that we learned about each other’s name and interest so I can make the most out of it.
ii. At 1 am, I let my blanket cover me so the souls that are trying to wake people up from their sleep won’t see me.They might capture me with their claws and think that I am one of them for the reason that I am also lost and can’t find the reason why I can’t let myself stop from worrying and feel bad about everything. I am haunted.
iii. But mostly during 1 am, I think of ways on how to survive when the sun rises. I don’t know what will tomorrow can offer or what are the possible things that may happen. Tomorrow can never be guess by anyone, no one can ever tell what may happen. Everything will come in a snap of a finger and the only way to face it is by being armored with such faith and strong belief.
iv. At I am, I try to reconcile my faith to the creator because I’ve been long gone from its grace. I try to think of ways that will not loosen up my interest but I’ve been doing this for a very long time and nothing becomes successful. Admitting my actions and mistakes may put me into shame from the creator’s vain. I am the creation that anyone could not appreciate.
v. And when clock is ticking its last minute before 2 am- I dream and wonder about my purposes and ambitious plans in life. " Will I be able to finish what I’ve started? Will I be continuing writing? Will I be better someday? Will I be knowing more things about life? Will I get to know my talents and interest before its too late? Will I be brave enough to conquer myself?"
vi. I still have a long way to go. A way with so much rocks and humps that could make me clumsy and fall down. I know that I’ll be more on battling with myself, not with anyone. I just hope that when this specific hour comes everything is different.
It makes me calm, makes me feel better. I hope its always there and I’ll aways watch it from afar.
i. You think of the ways on how to live by for tomorrow; same phases, same scenarios every day. You tried to look at the different sides of your life but end up being in the dumpster of your unprogressive nasty acts. You always prayed to him to let you stop counting the goods in your hands instead let you see the epitome of his creation.
ii. Your eyes speak for a thousand words that were never told. You used to stare at the familiar places every day creating the most astonishing and raging words that could describe the essence of the sights that you see.
iiii. Your mind tells a story about your struggles and prospers in life. With your mouth that never tells a lies, you got all your life to tell the tales of your journey but you’re too afraid to sing, to utter the great unspoken words.
iv. We will all come to the end of our lives, we will all come together. We cannot prevent ourselves from walking at the final point of our venture in this world and in the end we’ll be enjoying the open grave that is intentionally made for us.
It’s clear, I can see the face
that I chosen to be with
he opened his arms and lured me
I sold myself with lies and feared
that reality will come
crawling opening my senses
I drowned myself in the sea
of my sold humanity and
Just to find that grief and
sorrow come upon clasping me
feasting my soul
whispering, “Thy soul will
be summoned to him. The
end has come for you.”
I walk myself towards the
direction of the grave that he
He sings lullaby to my ears
and tuck me in with the blanket
of his comfort and kiss me
slowly taking the last air in my being
Feels like living in a paradise.
The sun is down today and all I hear is the rain falling from the dark skies. I keep on waiting for the sun to shine and the blue skies to say his “Be okay today.” to me but they never came. I am in my room all day, looking at the ceiling and following the movement of the ceiling fan. I stared at my lamp shade till everything gets blurred in my vision and tried to finish the book that I started two days ago.
Everything is different this past few days. I never get to read three books in one day and write different things. I’ve been occupied with the thought of being uninterested with stuff and slowly spacing out. I treat my people by blood as shit if they never stop criticizing me. The only thing that doesn’t change this past few days is the same me who still overthink and worry too much. I who never get to believe that I can do things.
I always thought that sleeping too much and staying up all night till the sun shines again is the best way to avoid certain circumstances that could make me feel worthless and useless. I just wish that I became happy before so I’ll be better today. Filling in someone else’s shoes is what I’ve been wanting to do. To escape, to never come back; for I can’t seem to find the reason on being here where all I can feel is suffocation and all I hear is bullshits.
The absence of everything is where I want to be. I, existing in a wonderous place and taking everything slow. The moon being with me at night, watching me till I get to sleep and the sun waking me up and guiding. Everything seems not right anymore. I wish closing my eyes will make things better.
I should stop thinking then pretend that everything is fine just like what it is before. I want to be stronger.